,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

i gained 13lbs
theres nothing or no one to blame but myself
i went from 147lbs to 160lbs in 2 weeks
ive eaten myself to the point of puking up everything at
the table because my body couldnt hold it in
ive eaten to the point of putting myself in excruciating
pain from over stretching my stomach
i went from a pretty concave tummy to a nasty
pot belly but this is where it has to stop
wrestling season starts after thanksgiving and i
will be 130Lbs im tired of being the fat tall girl i wanna
be the super slim super sexy tall girl
ive noticed that when ever i stay away from pro ana sites, blogs, thinspo vids, and others sites then thats when i get off track so ive made it a MUST to fall asleep to pro ana sites and to wake up to pro ana sites ive made it a must that i would post post a blog weekly
ive made it a must to fast every other week n the weeks i eat it must be 400cals or less im so fucking frustrated with myself i feel like a failure i feel week n i kno i have no self control but that will so all change starting today Sunday October 3rd, 2010

lets eat....

I always write down what I eat and for the past 2 weeks all I've eaten is:

2 sugarfree extra watermelon flavored gum 5 cals each 10cals total

1 sugarfree 10 calorie jello
My fave flavors are raspberry and orange

1 45 calorie apple

0cal water n diet soda

85 Cals per day

I feel pretty good
I chew gum till around 3
Then at 3 I eat a jello

Then chew some more gum till
6 then at 6 I eat an apple

I don't eat before 3pm or after 7pm

Need a friend? Im here for you...

Here's my aim add me
I sign on every night
Or every other night

I'm here for you

AIM: PaperThinLovee

boys, boys, boys :)

I met a guy in june (let's call him CK).
We talked nonstop to each other for the whole month of june, I got to know him really good.
My intentions weren't to fall for this guy we were just going to be friends, but the more I talked to him the more I wished he was all mine.
In early july I decided to take the first step and ask him out. I thought that he would say no because of my age (I'm 16 he's 21) but surprisingly and amazingly he said yes. Our relationship is so perfect, he's a loving and very caring guy.
I can talk to him about every and anything, which leads me to my next topic.
I few weeks ago I told him about my eating disorder and how much I struggle with food, my weight, and my body image.
At first he was shocked, he stayed silent for about 10mins. He hugged me and asked me why I was doing this. I could feel his tears falling on my neck. He looked me in the eyes and said "I wish there was something I could do to help you" then I began to cry he held me close and kissed my forehead.
I told him "I know I need help and I've gone for help before and I relapsed, I know I still need help but I'm not ready to accept it. I hate and love what I've become, what I'm doing." He put his hands on my cheek and wiped away my tears, I couldn't look him in the eyes but he made me. He said "I love you and it hurts me to know that you don't see the beauty that I see in you, I can't force you to do anything, I can't force you to stop, I know you've struggled enough and I don't want you to have to struggle anymore, all I can truly do is accept this and offer as much help to you as I can. I know sooner or later you're going to realize you're a beautiful pure hearted girl and that you don't need this." Then he kissed me
I feel that telling CK this has made our relationship stronger. He doesn't judge me he really loves me.
I thought telling him this would change a lot I thought he would constantly check up on me to make sure I'm eating, and I thought he wouldn't trust me alone but he's not like that he really accepts me and he knows i'll seek help when I'm ready.

Have any of you girls or guys told your current or past significant others about your eating disorder? What was the out come? Did things change? Did they accept it or just judge you?

**I haven't posted any updates about the ABC Diet because I'm not on it anymore I made it to the half way mark (Day 25) and stopped I stopped for personal reasons that I do not wish to share right now**

beauty is in the eyes of the
h u n g r y<3

Days 1-5 on the Ana Boot Camp Diet (ABC Diet)

Days 1-5 were easy
Since I've done them b4
On my last failed attempt at this diet what did I eat you act?

Day 1:
-1 Fruit & walnut salad 210cals
-4 bottles of water 0cals

Day 2:
-1 Fruit & walnut salad 210cals
-2 bottles of diet coke 0cals
-2 bottles of water
-1 0cal jello (thank god for those)

Day 3:
-Fast

Day 4:
-Fast

(For days 3 & 4 I spent the whole day sleeping it was definitely much needed)

Day 5:
-5 Ritz crackers 80 cals
-1 bottle of water 0cals
-2 bottles of diet coke 0cals


I've been meditating and I've started doing yoga I feel so relaxed afterwards its like one on one time with ana like I just go in my room put on some soothing music and just bond with her

Next post will be on day 10 see you gals then <3

.Beauty.is.in.the.eyes.of.the.HUNGRY.and.STARVED.

My Experience on the Ana Boot Camp Diet (ABC Diet)

You can't start this diet if you aren't mentally strong, and that's where I made a huge mistake girls.

I went into this saying "oh if I cheat I can just add the day on to the end and make it up" that was my 1st mistake.

My second mistake was that I ate the wrong things I would say to myself "oh todays a 500cal day I can have some chips or a donut or some ice cream" and that was all wrong.

My 3rd mistake was I drank juice and fucking soda instead of water that was a huge fuck up on my 50cal days I would use them all up in a box of juice and spend the whole day fasting and wishing I never drank it.

My Fourth and final mistake is that I thought I would just lose weight with out working out which is a freakin noo noo.

As you can tell by reading this I didn't complete this diet...this was more of a wake up call for me.

I saw my dirty ways
I saw why I wasn't seeing results and why I kept fallin off track and binging.

I'm going on this diet again and this time there's no cheating and no games

I haven't looked at juice in like 3 weeks now I stopped eating junk and I went through my house and threw out all the candy and anything sweet I started running everyday in the morning even in the rain I run.

New Rules:
-ABSOLUTELY NO CHEATING
-RUNNING EVERY MORNING
-NO JUICE NO SODA
-ONLY WATER
-I WILL NOT GO WITHIN 10CALS OF THE CAL LIMIT FOR THAT DAY
(ex: if I can only have -50cals for the day i'll only have 40cals)
-I WILL NOT PUT ANYTHING NEAR MY LIPS UNLESS I KNOW THE EXACT AMOUNT OF CALORIES
-I WILL FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THIS DIET!!

IF ANY OF YOU GIRLS ARE GOING ON THIS DIET PLEASE CONTACT ME

<333Beauty is in the eyes of the HUNGRY.

10's the magic number

When i eat
i always divide it into 10 small pieces and chew 50 times till its all mush

i time myself when i eat
it usually takes me about 45 mins to eat something



my brother for some reason thats unknown kept following me around the house so i had to slightly full up my plate with cabbage

i only ate 5 things of cabbage they were a large size
about 3 or 4inches long

so that was 50 pieces total



im down to 150lbs
i still have a long way to go
i start work today
i really dont want to go but i need the money
for my diet pills and such
byee now

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STILL HUNGRY?!?!

this looks good??????
this is why we do what we do
so we dont look like those fat hogs

put down your forks
smile through those hunger pains
puke till you see blood
we want to be thin and beautiful





your scale is your best friend
it tells you the bare truth
it lets you know that youre fat and horrid





want fat thighs
want a fat face
want fat dripping from all over your body
well then eat up fat fucking cow





i hope you enjoy your nasty greasy food
want more food?
cant live through the stomach pains
and the hunger pains
remember a second on the lips
for ever on the hips
you fucking obese pig



ana and mia are here to help you
not turn out like those fat pigs
yes it hurts
but if it was easy painless and effertless than everyone would be doing it

starve on and be strong
dont end up like a fat sloppy cow

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its a "White" thing

When the words "anorexia" "bulimia" and "eating disorder" come to mind people usually think of
a young white middle class female

but thats not the case
eating disorders affect all races all classes and all genders

if u havent guessed it by now

I am a black female
and ive struggled with anorexia and bulimia for a long time now

in my culture skinny isnt pretty
everyone wants a big butt and big boobs
and i dont want that i want to be tiny and thin

growing up i was forceed to believe that big is beautiful when thats wrong big is horrible i was a typical black girl i was what they call "thick"
but that wasnt for me i looked in fashion mags
and i would cry wishing i was like a skinny model

i had the height of a model
but there was something missing
i cant model at 175lbs
i cant even live at 175lbs

im unhappy in this body

my mother is over 200lbs and everyone tells me
you have your mothers genes youll never be skinny
so stop trying

but theyre wrong...

my mom caught me throwing up one day and she didnt even stop to think "oh my god my child is throwing up her food" she just said "are you sick...the stomach virus is going around you know"

i hear this over and over again
"black girls dont have anorexia"
"thats a white thing"

theyre all wrong
its so lonely
and its even harder
when you constantly have people
shoving "soul food" "chinese food" and "greasey chicken" in your face

if i told my family i had anorexia the first thing they would say is
"are you trying to be white or something?"

thank god i have the power and the control i need
of else i couldnt make it thru life

i let my family get to me i let them feed me all that junk i let them fatten me up

but not anymore.....

**update**
i got a job and i start working soon so i can finally buy my diet pills and laxatives
this job is gonna be a text of my strength
because im gonna be working at a fast food restaurant but ill be working thru dinnere time so i can always say i ate at work

this summer is gonna be different from last summer


im stronger.im better.and im wiser.

the pic is of me at 156lbs
next picture to go up will be me at 146lbs.

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i need your help

this disease is killing me
but i refuse to stop
i look in the mirror and just think of ending it all
im tired of losing then gaining
this is enough im fucking fed up
this isnt even a matter of being thin anymore
i addicted to ana and mia and i cant stop
i wont stop
if any of you girls wanna be ana buddies (fasting buddies, mia buddies, or just someone to talk to, or for some support and motivation) msg me or cmnt on this entry and i'll give you my cell number and my aim, yahoo, gtalk, and my msn
i know what this disease can do to a person
it isolates you
all you want to do is talk about it
but if you talk to the wrong person then youll lose ana for ever
no one desearves to be alone
so if you ever want to talk i'll be there for you
just like you should be there for me
bye loves.....<3

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Ana Boot Camp Diet (ABC Diet)

Day 1: 500 calories (or less)
Day 2: 500 calories (or less)
Day 3: 300 calories
Day 4: 400 calories
Day 5: 100 calories
Day 6: 200 calories
Day 7: 300 calories
Day 8: 400 calories
Day 9: 500 calories
Day 10: Fast
Day 11: 150 calories
Day 12: 200 calories
Day 13: 400 calories
Day 14: 350 calories
Day 15: 250 calories
Day 16: 200 calories
Day 17: Fast
Day 18: 200 calories
Day 19: 100 calories
Day 20: Fast
Day 21: 300 calories
Day 22: 250 calories
Day 23: 200 calories
Day 24: 150 calories
Day 25: 100 calories
Day 26: 50 calories
Day 27: 100 calories
Day 28: 200 calories
Day 29: 200 calories
Day 30: 300 calories
Day 31: 800 calories
Day 32: Fast
Day 33: 250 calories
Day 34: 350 calories
Day 35: 450 calories
Day 36: Fast
Day 37: 500 calories
Day 38: 450 calories
Day 39: 400 calories
Day 40: 350 calories
Day 41: 300 calories
Day 42: 250 calories
Day 43: 200 calories
Day 44: 200 calories
Day 45: 250 calories
Day 46: 200 calories
Day 47: 300 calories
Day 48: 200 calories
Day 49: 150 calories
Day 50: fast

Here's a personal tip that worked for me

Eat your calories after 5pm this will make sure you don't binge

Plan a meal cut it into 4 or 3 servings and eat them through out the day

Try not to over season your food the better it tastes the more you'll want

If u feel you're going to binge DO NOT CHEW & SPIT
Because once you taste the food trust me you will not spit

JELLO they have 0 calorie ones now its the best thing ever carry one with you everywhere when you feel like pigging out on some sweets just eat your 0 cal jello and the suger will boost your energy when you're feeling a bit week

Eat lots and lots of pomagranets you have to do so much work to pick out the little fruit that by time you're ready to eat it you're not hungry anymore

Get a good nights sleep with is a MUST the more your awake the more you think about food



Being thin feels good

im BACK!

I've been gone for a while yes I know

While I was gone I ate and ate and ate some more I went back to 174Lbs

Then one day I got on the scale and saw how much I weighed and I just stood there and cried my eyes out

But for some good news
I'm 150Lbs right now I lost 24Lbs and all it took was a bit of self control and my best friend ana

I wanna go down to 130Lbs bf school is out wish me luck

And I'm going on a 50 day diet its called the ABC Diet aka (Ana Boot Camp Diet)

Ill try to tell you gals about my day to day progress but if not ill get on here when I can <333333333333333333

Stay strong my pretties

Gone.

lately ive been soooo stressed
thats why i havent written a blog in a while
with school and my family
i gained 19lbs since my last blog
and i feel like i want to die

lately ive been thinking
that i need to retouch my relationship with ana and mia
they were my only friends this summer
and i dont want to leave them

im going to be gone for a while im not going to
write another blog till i loose 30lbs

so ill see you ladies then.....

its pretty

well
i like to keep myself busy
because it helps me get my mind off the hunger pains and stuff

so i decided to make like a banner
for my blog it looks really pretty

and i made my display picture a real pic of me
but i cropped out my face

i really like this blog
it gives me something to do
to keep my mind busy

i think im going to try to write a blog or two a day

and i have 3 new followers
i thought that this was just gonna be a blog
that only i read

i hope some of the stuff on my blog
helps you gals reach ur goals

and umm if u want
can u give some feedback on the new banner
i want to make my blog pretty
and entertaining so girls
can come on my blog and keep themselves busy

so they can reach their goal
thin.perfect.skill

I Passed The Test

lately ive been feeling as if ana has been testing me
and i passed the test
so much has happened to me since i wrote my last blog
i havent lost any weight because ive been so stressed
but ive reconnected with myself
ive patched up my relationship with ana
im ready
ive changed


i sat down at the dinner table last night
and i just stared at the food for about 2 hours

my family had a huge cook out the other day
and like everyone was eating and just eating more and more

it was so disgusting

my aunt asked me if i wanted a cheese burger
and i said no but she kept asking
i felt like lashing out at her
so i just took the fucking burger

then went inside and threw it away

and the fucking burger grease got on my hand
and like i washed my hands sooooo hard

food is making me sick
when i look at it i just want the puke


HUNGER IS A FEELING
BEING THIN IS A SKILL

thoughts

im getting thinner
why am i not happy
everyone is telling me how skinny i look
but yet inside i feel like a fat cow
are they just telling me im skinny
so i can eat a get fat like them
mt ribcage is starting to show
but i still dont feel satisfied
the guy that i was with dumped me
he said that something about me changed
causing me to binge and purge
im growing weaker and weaker by the day
till it reaches the point where it hurts to breathe
my best friend matt is starting to notice something
he notices everything about me
i just wish he would notice that ive been in love with him
since the day we became friends
all his girlfriends have been perfect size zeros
maybe i should be like them and then maybe he would want me

i feel like ana is testing me
to see how faithful i am
but i dont know how much i can take

every single day the urge to kill myself gets stronger and stronger
i dont know anymore whether i want to live or die
ana please give me the strength to be strong
give me hope
have faith in me.....

I binged today

it was horrible
i ate 2 whole things of oreo cookies
3 cheese burgers
2 slices of pizza
and 4 packets of gummie bears
i feel soooo horrible
i had to throw it all up i just had
to and it horrible i feel like
a fat house i just want to kill myself right now

Problem

its been a while since i posted a blog
ive been really busy
but anyway

im finding it hard to loose more weight
i was doing fine when i lost the 13lbs
but lately it seems i havent been losing any weight at all

and since my nationality is jamaican
and the women from there are naturally very curvy
its like even harder for me to loose weight

like im ok with my big hips because i love being hip bones
and they poke out very nicely

but i hate a butt and my thighs
ive been going squats
do i can tone up my thighs so they wont be
so flabby

and another thing thats really starting to buck me is
my aunt has a cook out ever weeked
and like if i only eat one hamburger they get mad at me
and go like oh you should eat more you know you want it anyway

im so glad i have self control
while my family are getting fat
im going to be skinny and beautiful


fat people discuss me
they go to a fucking fast food place
and order up all the fucking food
and have the nerve to ask for a diet coke
like thats going to help your fat ass loose weight

ughh if i gain even one pound
i will do anything it takes to loose it
im going to be fasting again this week
to make up for the food i ate at the cookout

Calorie Counter

ive add the Calorie Counter to my blog 

its on the right hand side

you just click setting put in your info

then click what you have eaten

and it will show you have many calories you have used 

i should be eating 2643 calories a day

but ive only eat 201 calories with out feeling like im starving 

what ive eaten

Breakfast:

3-4 glasses of water                                                  00 Calories 

lunch:

one cucumber                                                             11 Calories 

Diner:

one chicken breast cut up into very tiny pieces    140 Calories 

Snack:

Apple                                                                             47 Calories

Diet Soda                                                                      03 Calories 

i think i am going to stick to this way of eating 

but i am only going to eat dinner ever other night 

since it is the most calories i am consuming 

i dont feel hungry at all 

i actually fell pretty full 

Fasting Day 4-7

ive been fasting for a whole weeks now and ive lost 9 more pounds 

all together ive lost 13lbs in 7 days 

ive been working out like crazy and i havent eaten at all

right now water and lime juice mixed together are the only things ive been consuming 

words can express how i feel right now 

ive gone from 156lbs to 143lbs in 7 days

im 13lbs away from my goal weight of 13olbs

all i have to do is keep this up for one more week 

fasting has had its side affects 

i havent been able to focus on anything at all 

ive been having dizzy spells

im always sleepy

and im weak 

it hurts so do normal things

like when i was brushing my teeth this morning

it felt like i was holding a 100lb weight and now a little tooth brush

ive fainted a couple time also but not infront of anyone

other than those things im proud of myself

people have started to notice that im loosing weight 

everyone is complimenting my and telling me how good

i look and that i should keep up what im doing and that i should tell them my secret

and the guy ive been crushing on since like november of last year 

finally asked me out 

he just came up to me in the hall and asked me if i could go out with him sometime

he told me that he never really noticed me in the halls but that now he does

i know he notices me now because im not the dat cow i used to be im skinny 

and beautiful i cant wait to get thinner im not going to fast for more than 2 weeks

i dont want to starve to death haha

im just gonna fast for another week then im going to try to only eat 500 cals a day

or less

then after doing that for 2 weeks

im going to fast again for 2 weeks

when the school year starts next year i hope to be at least 115

im going to be so thin and everyone will want to be friends with me 

and ill get all the boys i want 

and ill be prettier 

fitting in a size 0

i want girls to envy me

and to want to be skinny like me 

this is what i want my body to look like