thoughts

im getting thinner
why am i not happy
everyone is telling me how skinny i look
but yet inside i feel like a fat cow
are they just telling me im skinny
so i can eat a get fat like them
mt ribcage is starting to show
but i still dont feel satisfied
the guy that i was with dumped me
he said that something about me changed
causing me to binge and purge
im growing weaker and weaker by the day
till it reaches the point where it hurts to breathe
my best friend matt is starting to notice something
he notices everything about me
i just wish he would notice that ive been in love with him
since the day we became friends
all his girlfriends have been perfect size zeros
maybe i should be like them and then maybe he would want me

i feel like ana is testing me
to see how faithful i am
but i dont know how much i can take

every single day the urge to kill myself gets stronger and stronger
i dont know anymore whether i want to live or die
ana please give me the strength to be strong
give me hope
have faith in me.....

I binged today

it was horrible
i ate 2 whole things of oreo cookies
3 cheese burgers
2 slices of pizza
and 4 packets of gummie bears
i feel soooo horrible
i had to throw it all up i just had
to and it horrible i feel like
a fat house i just want to kill myself right now

Problem

its been a while since i posted a blog
ive been really busy
but anyway

im finding it hard to loose more weight
i was doing fine when i lost the 13lbs
but lately it seems i havent been losing any weight at all

and since my nationality is jamaican
and the women from there are naturally very curvy
its like even harder for me to loose weight

like im ok with my big hips because i love being hip bones
and they poke out very nicely

but i hate a butt and my thighs
ive been going squats
do i can tone up my thighs so they wont be
so flabby

and another thing thats really starting to buck me is
my aunt has a cook out ever weeked
and like if i only eat one hamburger they get mad at me
and go like oh you should eat more you know you want it anyway

im so glad i have self control
while my family are getting fat
im going to be skinny and beautiful


fat people discuss me
they go to a fucking fast food place
and order up all the fucking food
and have the nerve to ask for a diet coke
like thats going to help your fat ass loose weight

ughh if i gain even one pound
i will do anything it takes to loose it
im going to be fasting again this week
to make up for the food i ate at the cookout